Last time on Princess Gwenevere / Starla and the Jewel Riders, Tamara and the Jewel Riders helped a lost prism fox reunite with her parents. Will our heroes ever get back to finding the Crown Jewels? Find out after the cut.
What Do We Remember About This Episode?
JW: Talking sword! Pimped-out outfits! Drake getting shit on by everyone!
Ry: Craft Faire shenanigans! A marriage ceremony! Drake and Gwen dance a terrible Tango!
A Quick and Dirty Summary:
The writers on this show realized that they had no other good ideas for episodes this season, so they decided, “Hey! Let’s make a lame filler episode about Drake!” And this is what we get.
At yet another craft fair, Drake plays practical jokes on Thunder and Gwen, and attempts to get a date for the big dance. Of course, Gwen and Tamara turn him down, and Drake doesn’t bother asking out Fallon.
Meanwhile, a man thrusts a magical talking Sword of Garmondale into a tree and asks people to pull it out. Apparently, if you succeed in getting the sword out of the tree, the sword will grant a wish. Of course, Drake succeeds in pulling out the sword, and he wishes to get any girl he wants. The sword’s owner also vanishes mysteriously.
The rather phallic sword works its magic a little too well. It feeds Drake really bad poetry a la Cyrano de Bergerac, and uses its mind-raping ability to make all the Jewel Riders accept his advances! Unfortunately, Drake ends up with three dates at 8:00. How is he going to juggle all those dates?
Also, the sword has ulterior motives: it wants the magic of the Enchanted Jewels for itself!
Meanwhile, after the Jewel Riders get dressed in their most pimped-out outfits ever, they all discover that they got dates with Drake! So they decide to screw with him during the dance. This leads to Drake getting marriage proposals from all three girls.
So Drake meets his future bride at midnight in the craft fair. Unfortunately, he ends up getting married to a pig. The girls all come out and tell Drake that, yeah, they totally messed with him. The talking sword will have none of this BS, though, so he “marries” the Sun Stone, Moon Stone, and Heart Stone, and starts draining their magic! This has the unfortunate side effect of making the sword grow.
Of course, the problem is solved by the Jewel Riders blasting the sword with magic, overloading it. The sword turns back to normal, and the sword’s owner returns to get his sword back. The Jewel Riders all suggest that Drake gets the sword back, because they just love shitting on him.
* I HATE THIS EPISODE. I didn’t realize it until I watched it again. But now it’s my least favorite after “Fashion Fever”. Everyone just shits on Drake in this episode.
* The talking sword reminded me of a similar weapon that appears in Baldur’s Gate 2. At least that sword was useful — it’s a +3 sword you can get early in the game!
* You can buy fake vampire teeth at craft fairs in Avalon.
* Tamara abuses her Heart Stone to mess with Drake in this episode. She makes Drake think there’s a bug on his head.
* Tamara’s babies perform “Feel the Magic” again in this episode.
* The spell Tamara casts during her little show: “Come little ones, and dance in the light. Be done with the darkness, be done with the night. The warm winds of springtime have started to blow. Come little ones: ready, set, grow!”
* A bad quote: “Oh, I know — it’s someone I don’t ever want to see again!” Gwen is such a bitch.
* I like how all the bonded animals notice that the Jewel Riders are getting mind-raped by Drake’s horrible poetry.
* Lord Baton (Batton?) gets a shout-out in this episode.
* Another bad quote: “I just forgot — Thunder is double-parked!” How the hell do you double-park a giant wolf? (Ry: I’ve always loved this line!)
* Tamara knows German somehow. HOW DOES GERMAN EXIST IN THIS SETTING?
* In a rare divergence of opinion, while this isn’t my favorite episode of S1, I’ve actually grown to really enjoy it over the years. I didn’t realize how funny I found it until rewatching the episode this latest time. There are a lot of humorous one-liners.
* Both this episode and Fashion Fever are examples of almost pure “farce.” (To throw a theatre term out there.) I don’t know if I’ve just grown to appreciate these two episodes more because of how “different” they are from the rest of the series. The absurdist humor is definitely up my alley, too. But they’re really two of a pair – so I can see if someone doesn’t like one, they probably won’t like the other.
* My favorite one-liner has to be after Drake kneels in front of Fallon. Moondance asks, “Something wrong with your leg?” This is why Moondance > Sunstar.
* I always wanted to know more about Garmondale. A person? Place?
* The outfits the girls wear to the dance are gorgeous. Fallon’s is especially lovely.
* I like the little tidbit of Drake going to Josh for help – always nice to see the other Pack members! “Remember son, a moving target is harder to hit.”
* Drake bouncing off potted palm trees like a pinball game. Complete with sound effects. WTF.
* Gwen physically lifts Drake during their tango dance. I was…unaware she was so strong!
* Hah! I love when Tamara snaps her fingers and the Babies appear as a musical trio to serenade them.
* This episode has elements of The Warlock Diaries and Spellsinger. In Warlock Diaries, Emily and Adriane fall in love with Donovan thanks to a love spell, and Crumble the minion tries to obtain the magic of the Ravenswood refugees. Spellsinger establishes that bonded animals can usually detect when their mages are being mind-raped.
* Bubbleberries are mentioned again in this episode.
GIFs will be posted soon.
There’s no place names mentioned in this episode, so no map today.
Next time: “Dreamfields,” in which Gwen experiences a Bad Ending. Or maybe Kale experiences a Good Ending. Reality warping is weird like that.